The TIMESCANNER brings you Easy-To-Follow instructions on how to claim the extra second of time that the Temporal Revenue Service owes you today.
(This episode was originally meant to be listened to starting at 11:48pm GMT to culminate precisely with the Leap Second at 11:59:60PM)
Transcript for 1x01 THE LEAP SECOND 2015
The following is an annotated transcript of episode #974745 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.
CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner
TIMESCANNER: Hello, I’m the Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.
Today’s broadcast is a special report for those time agents who are stationed under cover in the year 2015. You’re stuck in this dismal present. And out of all the billions of years from the big bang to where I’m stationed, some might say imprisoned, at the Heat death of the universe You in the 21st century are in one of the most unpleasant times imaginable. You are on the frontlines of the causal war. spies caught over enemy lines just before the shit hits the fan.
The date of this transmission is June 30th 2015 and it is a special day as many of you know.
Today there will be an extra second added to your perception of time. This will happen at the moment the clock strikes 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time. The Leap Second.
This added unit of Time may seem lake an addition, an added moment of ecstasy in bed with your lover, but on the other hand it could be an extra second at your menial place of employment. an extra moment to push a few more buttons. that much closer to your next pellet in the old Rat Race.
Let me lead you through the intricacies of Time Law to determine which of these options you will get to do.
Know that from your perspective while stationed within the mortal one-way stream of existence any time added on this plane may seem like a gift, but depending on how you have spent or been re-payed with Time in the past year will determine how this extra second in time must be spent.
You see, as much as you may want to spend this extra moment reading quietly by yourself or playing tag with your kids or maybe you want to spend the leap second having one more moment holding the hand of a soon-to-be lost loved one, you may still actually owe that extra moment in taxes. You may still need to sacrifice this extra second to the Corporate Deities that rule your Time-Bound Existence.
As you may be unfamiliar with the mechanics of Time Tax Law, let me be your guide through this ritual. I will metaphorically walk you up the steps of a sacrificial pyramid and teach you how to submit to Them so that They may take this moment of your life from you in the fashion that will bring them the most profit. Will be most lucrative to the interests of the monopolistic entity your universe knows as TIME ITSELF.
Or who knows. Maybe you’ll get a refund.
Consider the so-called “Extra Moments” added to your time on Earth. A Leap Second, a Leap Day, Changes to daylight savings time, The Terran “Day Outside of Time” held between the 13th moon and first moon of subsequent year in the Galactic Synchronization Calendar. Consider these “extra moments to be like your American “Tax Day” on April 15th of each year.
All year you’ve been feeding Time into The System. You’ve been feeding time into the system that devours you day by day. Every moment at an unfulfilling job, waiting at the DMV, Every moment stuck in traffic, waiting for your twitter feed to refresh. You’ve paid a lot of time into the system this year!
Every moment of your year devoted to serving another’s will is a moment you’ve already paid into the Time Devouring System. Every moment you’ve taken to breathe deeply and appreciate your existence, to invest in the love of those around you, Every moment used to put in time and work to achieve the potential of your true self: these are the benefits you’ve already received from space-time. We will call this Beneficial Time.
Deduct your Beneficial Time from the time you’ve sacrificed to The System. The sum that you come up with will show you what you owe or are owed by Time Itself.
What did you come up with? Did you get a refund this year?
Good! I thought you might!
Let me walk you through the ritual to file your return and claim the moment that the system owes back to you.
Are you ready?
Ok. Cross reference the number of seconds this past year you have over-payed with the Galactic Time Bracket in the back of the Time Tax Return instruction book your parents were given at the moment of your birth but which they never passed along to you. If you don’t have this table you will have to do the following: since everyone on your plane is devoured by Time at the same rate: one second per second, you’ll have to consult with a good astrologer. if Tarot cards are used I recommend a good triangular geometry of fate deck or an Aramchek Arcana deck. If those are unavailable to you, a traditional Thoth or Rider-Waite deck will do.
Ok. Do you have the cards in front of you? Cut the cards. draw.
Look deeply into this card. Look through the card even. Does the card you drew remind you of a dream you’ve recently had? Or a memory you are not quite sure is a memory?
Remember this for later.
Your Time Tax Bracket won’t have a quantitative range. Which column you belong in will manifest itself as this abstract, static image that you just received within your mind.
Take a clean piece of paper. Cut your paper in half so that it is roughly 8 1/2 by 5 1/2 inches. I want you to describe the image carried within the dream or memory that you just received: I want you to describe it in 3 words only. All Caps Please. Write it onto the piece of paper. This is your Form A365-EZ. Fold your form A365-EZ into the paper airplane of your choosing representing the one directional movement of time’s arrow.
Take a photograph of this form for your own records. (Nobody thinks that they are going to be audited until the Temporal Revenue Service shows up at their door. just to be safe. take a picture) Since I am acting as your accountant this year feel free to tweet this photo of you with your Time Return Form to me @timescanner on twitter.
Now to file.
The Temporal Revenue Service (TRS) will retrieve the form from your body in the next 24 hour cycle while Time Itself continues to devour you incrementally. So what the TRS needs to do is get the information carried on the form into of your body.
Don’t worry. This isn’t nearly as bloody or intimate as it sounds.
If you are an early filer you can do it the old fashioned way and you can tattoo an image of the paper airplane that you folded along with the three word phrase your unconscious mind conjured from the tarot card somewhere on your body.
For the rest of us who are always scrambling last minute: here’s how you e-file.
Pour a pint glass with ice cold water about 3/4 full and submerge the paper, still in airplane form into the glass of water. once the paper starts to turn translucent, drink from the glass. Drink as much as you can, but you needn’t finish the whole glass.
Good. Now your relative surplus or debt of Beneficial Time is recognized by your body and by Time Itself.
Since YOU got a refund this year. get ready to enjoy One extra Second of Leap Second 2015 in a way that best serves your true purpose and will on this planet in this very moment.
Are you ready?!
You may want to play this recording right at the stroke of 11:59:60 PM Greenwich Mean Time for full effect. Everyone else is getting ready to enjoy this second too. Maybe you can hear them. The millions prepared to enjoy a whole second of Refund Time. Cheering. Gathering their loved ones to share it with them. Can you hear them? Can you hear them? Can you?
Well ignore them! This moment has nothing to do with them. This moment is for you!. One entire second for you to set yourself on fire with the pure apocalyptic energy of your True Potential.
Can you feel it coming? YOUR moment churning up from deep inside you?
(silence for one second)
(sound effects come back)
(sighs) I hope that was good for you.
CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.
(temporal radio static)